I woke up at 4 am the other night with a question burning in my mind: Was it time to boldly let go of all my professional manifestations? Should I stop selling my books, remove my website, quit blogging and Soul Styling?
Was it time to let go of the old to give space to something new?
Something hidden had always stood in the way of the true flowering of my company anyway. And there was no doubt that something new was stirring inside. But as in a physical birth, you don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen nor do you know how it is going to look. There are deeper forces at play. All you can really do is take care of the basics of life, rest, wait and be open.
So here I was, wide awake, wondering… Would it help if I completed the cycle, letting the old structures die? Would concrete, ritual actions, where I really let go of what had been, facilitate the transformational process?
Would it help in shifting my focus to what was gestating?
As I thought about the things to let go of, what made me most sad was the thought of letting go of this blog. It has become a space to express my deepest thoughts as well as my personal process. I have felt true and real in what I have shared here. And knowing there were readers made it easier to write regularly.
About a year ago Leo Babauta at Zen Habits, (one of the top bloggers) reviewed this blog. He liked the name and the design, and found the subject intriguing. But he also found it confusing and couldn’t really figure out what it was about. According to him this would make it difficult to attract readers.
I think he was right. It has not attracted as many readers as I had hoped for. And considering the amount of time I spend on each post, was it really worth it? Since I am totally unable to write short little posts, I might not be cut out to be a blogger. Maybe writing books suits me better? And Leo’s question was right on… what was my blog really about?
What’s lacking is a distinct red thread to weave it all together to a coherent whole.
Many years ago the seed of a new book came to me. The title was Feminine Threads and I had a vision of personal, ancient as well as cultural threads that were woven together to form a new whole. I knew that at that time in my life I was not yet ready to write that book. It was too early in my own process and I could not even imagine the result of that weave.
Pondering my dilemma in my bed that morning, I realized how this blog has actually been a way to collect the different threads for the book, as well as a way to make my own process clearer. I see the red thread clearly and have some kind of clue where it’s leading.
My new focus seemed obvious: It was time to start weaving together all the different threads that have been spun in this blog, through the different posts, to a book. It was time to connect the threads, to heal what had been broken up in fragments. It was also time to finally discern the unique pattern of the most vital thread.
There is true magic in letting go.
As 4 am turned into 6 am, doubt and sadness had transformed into a deep knowing. Letting go of the old was the right thing to do and all of a sudden it seemed so simple. None of the work I had done had been in vain, it was all part of a bigger work in progress.
So in true feminine fashion, I surrender. As I allow Nature and the creative process to take its course, I just witness this miracle called Life in awe and complete trust. Trying to force things is futile, so there is no need to push. What’s there is being pushed through me. All I need to do is exhale, relax and stretch myself wider than I thought possible…
To all my readers…
I will take a break for at least a few months. I might take up blogging in a new form later on. But then again I might not.
If I don’t, thank you for joining me and for reading. If my journey has touched you in any way it was all worth it. I will miss your comments and reflections, and most of all just knowing you were there.
To those of you who subscribe to the blog through e-mail or RRS: If you want to be informed about my future work, send me your e-mail through the contact form and I will keep you updated.
Image: Julie Timms